


Hey, Girl, Are You A Dolphin?

by demseaanemone



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Fluff, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Gothic Literature, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Nonbinary Rose Lalonde, Slow Burn, but its really just rivals to lovers, eridan is a barista at karkats coffee shop, i HOPE its slow enough hh, its mainly erisol, karkat overthinks way too much, like a bunch of cursing but you already know, oh yeah rose is nb but theyre a really minor character, rosemary is very very background, sollux and kanaya run a small business where they resell old books, sollux is a danganronpa stan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:47:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25582354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demseaanemone/pseuds/demseaanemone
Summary: When Sollux's best friend Karkat opens a cafe, Sollux is excited for him. But what happens when someone from his past is working behind the register? And why is he so goddamn infuriating? (But also kind of cute...?) ((sorry im not great at summaries >///< ))
Relationships: EriSol, Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Rosemary - Relationship
Comments: 10
Kudos: 40





	Hey, Girl, Are You A Dolphin?

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be a quick blackrom one-shot with vampires but things got out of hand and now its a really long redrom coffee shop au with lots of references to gothic lit because im gay and nonbinary and i say so. also sorry if the danganronpa references are Incorrect literally all i know about the game i gathered from tiktok cosplayers. also!!
> 
> SHOUTOUT TO SLEEPY_SPHINX FOR COMING UP WITH THE PICK-UP LINE THAT INSPIRED THE TITLE
> 
> also sorry for any typos >///< uh. enjoy!

  


Sollux Captor was the best in the business. The business of book collecting, that was. It sounded a lot less impressive when you put it like that. 

To be perfectly frank, he wasn’t even the best. That title belonged to his friend Kanaya Maryam. She had the keenest eye for what obscure antique shops would contain the rarest editions of Frankenstien, or Dorian Gray, or whatever emo novel she was obsessed with at the time. In fact, Sollux was supposed to have been at her house scouring eBay thirty minutes ago. He checked his phone. Scratch that, thirty-four minutes ago. Eh. Kanaya could spare him for a couple more. His screen lit up with a Discord notification.

  


carcinoGenecist: HEY ASSHOLE THE BEAN SHACK’S OPENING TOMORROW

twinArmageddons: don't worry diip2hiit ii’ll be there

TA: about tiime haha iive been craving some good pa2teriie2 lately

CG: YEAH YEAH WHATEVER

CG: FUCK ME SENSELESS THE MUFFINS ARE BURNING

CG: I SWEAR TO GOD THESE USELESS BASTARDS I CALL EMPLOYEES HAVE NEVER SEEN AN OVEN ONCE IN THEIR SORRY EXCUSES OF LIVES

TA: haha 2uck2 for you man

TA: good luck wiith that 

  


Karkat really was something. Ambitious, Sol would give him that. The situation was exciting, even for Sollux. Kar had always wanted to open a cafe, and now that the two of them were out of college, he finally could.

_ Shit, 45 minutes late.  _ He’d better get going. Sollux strode down the chilly New Jersey sidewalk, his long legs making the trip to Kanaya’s apartment quick.

He arrived at Kanaya’s place, which she shared with her joyfriend, Rose. They were one of the few people who cared as much as Kanaya did about literature. They were a pretty regular client, but Sollux always hated selling to them because they got what Kanaya called the “Cute Ass Discount.” Gross. You’d never catch him being all lovey-dovey with his partner. He rang the buzzer for her apartment, and went into the building. He adjusted his wire-rimmed glasses in the mirrored wall and cracked his knuckles. There had been fewer and fewer rare book listings recently, so hopefully today was a chill day. Maybe they could order a pizza, invite some friends over, play Cards Against Humanity, and forget about Oscar Wilde for at least a couple hours.

“Sollux Captor.”  _ Shit. _ “Why the hell are you so late? It’s almost 10:00 and we haven’t started on a single listing.” Kanaya’s voice was scarily calm, her green eyes searing a hole into his head.

“Come on, Kan, there’s barely been any this week! Surely you can spare my genius for...” He checked the time. “Fifty-seven minutes.”

Kanaya ushered him into her apartment. “How wrong you are. Sure, there haven’t been many listings online, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t still buyers! ”

Sollux rolled his eyes. “Fine, what are they buying. I can bring it to the post office.”

“The Call of Cthulhu.”

Sollux rolled his eyes. “Basic. Also, fuck Lovecraft for real.”

“Yeah, but they’re paying good money. Oh, right, and you won’t need to go to the post office.”

His face lit up. “Wait, really?”

Kanaya smiled. “Yes. The client is in the city, so you’ll be delivering it on foot.”

He groaned “Kanayaaaa noooooo. I have weak bones! Weak, baby, victorian child bones! Trekking across Summit all day is going to erode my shitty joints.”

Kanaya pursed her lips. “Well then maybe, in the future, your shitty joints should get you here on time.” She placed a crumpled address in his hand. “Here’s where you’ll be dropping it off. If you need anything, don’t call, and don’t come back. Rose has the day off and I don’t want your inane bullshit ruining the mood.”

Kanaya flicked her hand and Sollux meekly walked out the door.  _ Geez, she was scary.  _ He carefully unfolded the piece of paper with the address on it. Ugh, it was all the way across town. At least it was close to KK’s shop. He strode over to the elevator, cracking his spine in the process. Geez, his joints really were shitty. 

  


“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU BURNED THE FUCKING MUFFINS THE DAY BEFORE WE OPEN! OF ALL THE TIMES TO BURN MUFFINS. THIS WAS EASILY THE WORST POSSIBLE ONE.” Karkat was yelling, but what else was new? Eridan flushed scarlet under his chunky glasses. 

“Sorry, Kar, I thought it said 450 degrees, not 350!” He sheepishly pushed his wavy brown hair out of his eyes. It was rare that Eridan Ampora was rendered as  _ sheepish _ , but hey, having Karkat as a boss will do that to a guy.

Karkat seemed to deflate at the apology. “Eh, it’s fine. You have enough time to remake ‘em. Just follow the recipe this time.” 

Eridan was used to Karkat’s outbursts, he even found them rather endearing. It just showed how passionate he was about the cafe! Eridan was pretty hyped about it, too. The only thing that sucked was that now he was going to have juggle work, self-care, and his collection. It was going to be a lot harder to find good salespeople when he also had a day job. 

But then again, the books weren’t going to pay for themselves. And who would Eridan be without his books? Sure, it sounded basic and nerdy, but literature had gotten him through a lot. From dramatic war diaries to campy horror stories, he could never get enough. Nothing compared to the rush of being transported to a world unknown to him. It was nice to escape from the sad actuality of life. It wasn’t that Eridan  _ hated  _ reality persay, it was just, well, the characters in The Secret History never had to deal with burnt muffins. 

Eridan picked up the tray of charred baked goods and shook them into the trash can. He grabbed a clean bowl and brandished a measuring cup in front of him.  _ Let’s do this thing. _  


  


twinArmageddons: ii 2wear to god kan

TA: that wa2 the fuckiing wor2t

grimAuxiliatrix: What's Wrong?

TA: the dude never even came to let me iin 2o ii ju2t 2at on hi2 2toop for hour2

GA: He Didn’t Come All Day? How Odd :)

TA: kan ii 2wear to god

TA: diid you ju2t triick me iinto 2iitiing liike a creeper on 2ome random a22hole2 2toop for four fuckiing hour2 ju2t 2o you could fuck your joyfriiend

GA: Well Maybe Next Time You Should Come To Work On Time

TA: kan youre a fuckiing eviil geniius

TA: iitd be cool iif ii wa2nt the viictiim 

GA: :)

  


Sollux sighed heavily.  _ I can’t believe I wasted all my time here for nothing. _ He hopped down the stoop of the brownstone he had been lurking on for the good part of the day.  _ If I go by Kar’s shop, I might be able to catch him before he leaves. It’d give me something better to do, anyway.  _

  


“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS HOW DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THE CROISSANTS THEY ARE INTEGRAL TO THE COFFEE SHOP EXPERIENCE”

“WELL FORGIVE ME FOR FORGETTING ONE ITEM ON YOUR ENDLESS LIST OF REQUIRED BAKED GOODS.”

Karkat’s face somehow got even more contorted with anger. “ARE YOU JOKING ME RIGHT NOW ERIDAN. ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT YOU FORGOT THE CROISSANTS. RIGHT BEFORE WE OPEN FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME EVER??”

Eridan rolled his eyes. “You’re kidding. You can’t actually think that people are going to notice. We’ve— no— I’VE made a SHITTON of pasteries. Everything’s going to be fine, you just need to calm down”

“Calm down. You want me to CALM DOWN. ERIDAN I SWEAR TO ALL THINGS HOLY AND UNHOLY I WILL-”

The sound of a door opening broke up their screaming match.

“Um. Am I interrupting something.” Sollux’s eyes scanned the room, passing from Karkat and landing on someone that was uncomfortably familiar. “Holy fucking shit no way.”

Eridan stared across the shop, looking into the two-toned eyes of his high school bully. 

Sollux’s breath hitched in his throat as he locked gazes with the most annoying kid in all of Summit, New Jersey. 

Eridan smirked. “Well. Isn’t this awkward.”  _ Why was he so goddamn angry? He’s the one who messed with me for three years straight. _

Sollux glared at Karkat. “Kar, do you know this guy?”

Karkat barked a laugh. “Of course I  _ know _ him, Sol. He’s my fucking employee, for God’s sake.”

Sollux’s face twisted with incredulity. “ _ HE’S  _ YOUR EMPLOYEE?”

Karkat chuckled. “What, are you two exes or something?”

Eridan laughed. “As if I’d ever date his lame ass” Sollux glared at him and, boy, if looks could kill… 

Sollux flushed bright red and marched over to Karkat. “No, asshole, he’s just a dick and I can’t stand his dumb face.”

“Well, you’d better learn to stand it, because he’s gonna be working here from now on.” Karkat spun on his heel and went into the back of the shop.  _ Probably to finish some shitty rom-com or whatever. _

Eridan grabbed a wet mug from the sink and began wiping it down with a dishtowel, stepping out from behind the counter to place it with the rest of the cups.

As soon as the mug touched the surface of the table Sollux grabbed the front of Eridan’s apron and pushed him up against the wall. 

“Ok, asshole, you’re gonna tell me why the hell you’re in my best friend’s coffee shop and you’re gonna do it now.” He hissed. His face was inches from Eridan’s, and it would have been kinda hot if the guy breathing down his neck wasn’t  _ Eridan fucking Ampora. _

Eridan rolled his eyes. He had the  _ gall  _ to look snarky, as if he wasn’t  _ pinned to the fucking wall. _ “Well, you sure haven’t changed much. Can’t a guy get a job around here without his old bully harassing him?”

“His old— as if I was the fucking bully! I’m not the one who—” He muttered something inaudible under his breath but didn’t release Eridan.

“Sheesh. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the gamer pad today.” 

Sollux was about to toss back an insult when the two heard the slurping of someone loudly drinking a juice box. The two of them turned to see Karkat leaning against the wall.

“Well aren’t you two cute. Just like a Wattpad fanfic.” Karkat chuckled as Sollux and Eridan jumped away from each other, both of them blushing. 

“Kar!” Eridan protested, readjusting his striped scarf.

“You’re calling him nicknames? How well do you know each other?” Sol took a step forward, incredulous as ever.

“Wish it was you, huh?” Eridan countered, looking over the frames of his glasses.

Sollux sneered. “In your dreams, asshole.” Honestly, who did he think he was? 

Karkat grinned to himself, wiping down a table. “Hmmm, enemies to friends to lovers, slow burn?”

Sol glared at him. “What kind of nerd bullshit even is that?”

Eridan rolled his eyes and took off his apron. He tossed the end of his striped scarf over one shoulder and slung a messenger bag covered in patches over the other. “Well, as enjoyable as this has been, I must be going.” He turned on his heel, sneering at Sollux on the way out.

Karkat smirked as he picked up his backpack. “Ten bucks says you two fuck this month.” Before Sollux could protest, Karkat cut him off with a wave of his hand. “Now get your ass out of my store before I hit you with a broom.” 

Sollux walked out, more confused than ever. The opening tomorrow was going to be wild.

  


Thank god it was his day off. Sollux sure didn’t have enough brain power to think about whatever the fuck had happened yesterday  _ and  _ his work. Oh lord, but now he had to see  _ him _ again. Whatever. He’d just have to keep the peace, support his friend, and avoid Eridan as much as possible.

Sollux pulled a dark red beanie over his split-dyed hair. Sure, he looked like an eboy, but if Sol was being honest, it was a look. He shot Karkat a quick text letting him know he was on his way and left his apartment.

The brisk autumn air nipped at his neck as he made his way to the coffee shop. By the time he reached it, he was almost shivering. God, he hated cold weather. 

He tried to calm himself down and looked up at the sign crowning the storefront.  _ Kar’s Bean Shack _ , it eloquently read. He exhaled and pushed open the door.

The place was fairly crowded, but the line only had one other person in it. A short woman with a blue cat-shaped hat was talking to Eridan.

Sol strode behind the girl and glared at him. Eridan narrowed his eyes in response, but didn’t otherwise acknowledge Sollux’s presence. Sol cleared his throat. “Eridan, take a hint and stop taking up this poor girl’s time with your dry bs.” 

The girl snorted and Eridan sighed. “Nep, I’m sorry. This asshole  _ clearly _ requires my attention right this instant. It’s not like I have a job to do or anything”

The girl—no, Nep—smiled and waved at Eridan. “See you around, Purr-idan!” 

Eridan glowered at Sollux. “Can I  _ help  _ you?” he asked in a tone that made it clear that helping Sol was the last thing on his mind. 

“Geez, haven’t you ever heard the phrase ‘the customer is always right?’ Honestly, what does it take to get some service around here?”

“Haven’t  _ you _ ever heard the phrase ‘underpaid retail workers shouldn’t have to deal with shitty customers on an hourly basis?’ Now, are you going to order anything or not?”

Sollux sighed. “Nah, I don’t really like coffee. I’m mostly just here for Karkat.”

Eridan gasped, scandalized. “You don’t like  _ coffee??  _ How sad of a life do you lead?”

Sollux raised an eyebrow. “I’m a broke millennial who has a bachelor’s degree in English Literature. Not drinking coffee is far from the worst thing in my life.”

Eridan snorted. “No need to be an edgelord about it. You’ve probably just been having shitty coffee your whole life. Listen, I’ll make something you’re guaranteed to love. Free of charge.” He turned away and began his preparation of the drink.

Sollux rolled his eyes and stepped to the side to wait for his drink. Once it was done, Eridan slid it across the counter to Sol.

Sweet liquid hit Sollux’s lips. It was pleasantly chocolatey, with hints of cinnamon and nutmeg cutting through. It didn’t taste like any coffee Sollux had ever had, but he had to admit it was pretty damn good. Not that he was gonna tell Eridan that. 

“Hey, earth to gamer?” The barista’s voice pulled Sol back to reality. Eridan was smiling at him in a surprisingly genuine way. 

“Well, while that was certainly enjoyable, you said you'd make me like coffee, not fucking hipster hot chocolate.”

“Come on, there was coffee in it.”

“Like hell there was. I’ll be back tomorrow. Try harder next time, will you?”

“I’m not giving you free fucking coffee every day. Kar would gut me like a fucking carp.”

“Cool your dick, I’ll pay for it.” Eridan rolled his eyes and let out a labored sigh. Geez, what a drama queen. Sol took another sip from the sugary beverage and turned on his heel. “See ya, nerd.” Maybe the pretentious bastard would actually make something that resembled coffee. And hey, even if he didn’t, that just gave Sollux more time to mess with him.

It wasn’t until he was back at his house that he saw the name that Eridan had written on the cup. “Epic Gamer Asshole.” How touching. 

  


Sollux slept in Sunday morning. He checked in on his Animal Crossing Island, ate some stale toast, and chugged two cans of Monster. Just another typical morning for a member of the Captor family. He was halfway through a playthrough of Trigger Happy Havoc when his phone buzzed.

  


carcinoGenecist: YO CAPTOR WHERE ARE YOU AMPORA IS FREAKING HIS BEAN 

CG: PUN OBVIOUSLY NOT INTENDED

CG: TF DID YOU SAY TO HIM YESTERDAY

twinArmageddons: oh yeah he2 tryiing to make me liike coffee

TA: ii saiid iid come back today 

TA: whatever ju2t tell hiim that ii got up late

TA: ii mean iit2 not a liie ii woke up liike a half hour ago

CG: UGH WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

CG: FINE

  


Sollux closed the video and cracked his spine. He didn’t have anyone to impress, so he just grabbed a ratty JoJo shirt, a hoodie and left. He pushed open the door to the Bean Shack and glared at Eridan. 

“Hey, loser, don’t you have anything better to think about than my drink order? Heard you were bugging KK all morning.”

Eridan rolled his eyes. “Well, excuse me for thinking that you would keep our little date.” He tossed the end of his scarf over his shoulder in an attempt to seem aloof. It only succeeded in making him seem like a douche.

“Well, I’m here, aren’t I? It’s only like 11:30.”

“Well who the fuck waits until noon to get coffee?”

“Dude, I wait until noon to become conscious.”

“Whatever. Here.” Eridan slid a mug across the counter, the lukewarm liquid sloshing against the sides. 

Sollux took a sip and frowned. “This is just hot chocolate again.”

“It’s  _ called  _ mocha and it’s delicious.”

“Uh huh. Hot chocolate.” Sollux frowned at the cup in his hand. “Why didn’t you give me this to-go?”

Eridan smiled. “Well, y’know, I haven’t seen you in years! I thought you might want to catch up! I mean, you’re pretty fucking different. You went from Reddit incel to Tiktok fuckboy in like four years!”

Sollux rolled his eyes and sat down at a nearby table. “Yeah, well, you haven’t changed a bit. You’re still a nerd that doesn’t know how to take no for an answer.”

Eridan sat across from him and took a bite from a danish. “So. Tell me everything. What’s your job? What do you do for fun? How was college? You got a girlfriend? Boyfriend? What’s—” 

“Ok, first of all, calm the  _ fuck _ down. This isn’t goddamn Jeopardy. Second of all, independent bookseller, still gaming, pretty normal, no, and no.”

Eridan munched thoughtfully. “Huh. cool.”

Sollux downed the last of the “mocha” and glared at Eridan over his glasses. “Was there anything else you wanted to say, or did you just wanna interrogate me?”

“Come on, don’t be like that.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be working?”

“No one comes into a coffee shop at noon on a Sunday. ‘Cept you.” It was true. Nep from earlier had left. The cafe was empty save for them. 

“Whatever. I have better things to do than sit here and make awkward conversation.” He stood up and put the mug on a tray. “I’ll be back tomorrow.” He started for the door.

“Wait, you have to pay for the coffee!” 

Sollux flashed a peace sign over his shoulder and kept walking.

“That’s a literal crime!” But he was already gone. Eridan let out a sigh. Karkat was gonna be pissed. 

  


The next day, Sollux came in earlier. He had work in the morning, so he couldn’t stay long. 

“Eridan, if you give me hot chocolate for a THIRD time I’m going to scream.” Sollux looked like he hadn’t slept at all. If Equius was there, he’d probably compare him to that one anime guy.  _ Aizawa, right. _

“Fear not, my friend! For I have a plan. Since you’re not super used to the taste of coffee, we’re gonna work up to normal coffee! For today, you get a cinnamon latte! I even made latte art!”

Sollux took off the plastic lid and stared down at the foam design. “A heart. You trying to say something, Ampora?”

“Psh, you wish. It’s just the easiest pattern to make.”

Sollux replaced the lid and checked his phone. “I should get going. Last time I was late Kanaya got really mad and tricked me into walking all the way across the city.”

Eridan chuckled. “Sounds like a fun job.”

“Eh, it has its upsides.”

Eridan waved. “I’ll see you tomorrow right?”

“‘Course you will.”

  


Kanaya looked at the cup in Sollux’s hand. “Uh. Why does your coffee say ‘Danganronpa Simp’ on it?” 

Sollux turned the cup around to face him. Sure enough, written in loopy Sharpie letters were the aforementioned words, along with a smiley face. “Oh for FUCK’S sake.”

  


For the next week, Eridan made Sollux a new drink every day, each time accompanied by some sort of snarky message. “Piss Baby,” read one extremely creative one. Others were more personalized– “Scene Kid in Denial” hit especially close to home. By the end of the week, the two of them had exchanged Discords by means of an especially smooth note on Sollux’s vanilla cappuccino. 

  


caligulasAquarium: i think youre finally ready to havve coffee wwith no extra flavvors in it

CA: just some milk and beans

twinArmageddons: wow eriidan thii2 ii2 the be2t day of my liife

TA: nothiing ha2 ever been a2 iimportant to me a2 driinkiing 2traiight coffee ha2

TA: not even moving out of my parent2 hou2e

TA: not even gettiing my degree

TA: not even 2tartiing a busiine22

CA: geez, ok i get it

TA: ehehehehe

CA: see you in a feww

  


Sollux entered Kar’s Bean Shack with a frown on his face and bags under his eyes. He hadn’t slept at all the night before, and he hadn’t drank an energy drink in the past week for fear of a caffeine overdose when combined with the coffee. So he wasn’t feeling in tip-top shape. 

As he approached the counter, Eridan was already pushing a steaming cup into his hands, talking about how, while, yes, there was milk and foam in it, there wasn’t  _ technically _ any extra flavors in it so  _ technically _ he did what Sollux asked him to do originally and oh, Sollux, why don’t you have a seat, let’s chat! Now let’s not hold up the line, what about that booth over there and  _ holy shit _ this guy could talk for hours. 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I didn’t come here for your stupid sugar-induced rants.” His lisp tripped over the word “induced”, and Eridan smiled. “Besides, you should be doing your fucking job. Frankly, it’s a wonder that KK’s keeping you employed when all you do is slack off with me.”

Eridan’s amused smile slid into an annoyed frown as he leaned back in his seat.

“Geez, what’s up your ass? No need to be a dick about it.”

“Yeah, right, like I’M the dick in this relationship. I’m not the stuck-up prick who harassed me for three fucking years straight! Not very effectively, I might add.”

Eridan raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. “Oh, so we’re bringing up  _ high school _ drama now?” His gaze hardened and he shifted his weight forward. “You know what? You fucking deserved whatever lame attempts at agression I made.”

“Yeah? For what? For the inconceivable heinous crime of being a nerd?” Sollux rolled his eyes.

Eridan let out a scoff and raised his eyebrows.  _ He seriously fucking scoffed. What is he, victorian nobility? _ “ _ That’s _ what you thought it was about? You’re seriously so self-unaware that you thought i was oppressing gamers or some shit? God, I bet you don’t even remember what happened with Fef.”

_ The fuck is he on about? _ “What about FF? The hell are you talking about?”

“In freshman year…?”

“Oh, great,  _ ninth grade _ gossip, glad to know that we’re mature adults here.”

“You broke her heart! Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about!”

“What the fuck are you on?? Me and Feferi never dated!”

Silence fell over the two, and Sollux realized that the rest of the cafe was staring at them. 

“Uh. S-sorry, y’all.” He turned back to Eridan, who was looking at him with confusion.

“What do you  _ mean _ you never dated? She was crying to her sister about someone named Captor, aka,  _ you? _ ”

“Dude, I have a twin. He probably crashed into her on his skateboard or something.”  _ He could never manage to stay on that thing anyway. _

Realization dawned on Eridan’s face “Ohhhhhhh. Well shit.” He leaned back into the booth and chewed his lip thoughtfully. 

“You’re seriously telling me that you overheard one conversation incorrectly and then decided ‘oh, yeah, that seems like a good reason to bully Sollux!’”

“I mean. Yeah? But after a while it just sorta became about honor.”

“Huh.”

“Well. Uh. I’m sorry I guess?”

“Eh, it’s chill, it’s not like your nerdy ass really inflicted any lasting damage to my psyche.”

“Hey!”

Sollux snorted and took a sip of the coffee. His eyebrows raised as the liquid touched his tongue. “Holy shit, dude, that’s actually really good.”

Eridan’s eyes widened. “Wait, seriously?”

“Yeah, dog, like I’m definitely gonna get this shit again.”

“Wait, so, I actually did it! Mission accomplished!” The amount of excitement that Eridan apparently possessed about a goddamn cup of coffee was honestly, kind of lame.  _ But also kind of cute? _ Sollux realized he had been staring and quickly turned his glance to the cup in his hands. 

Eridan leaned down, trying to catch his eye, a toothy grin spreading across his face. “Soo. I assume you’ll be back tomorrow for your usual?” 

Sollux rolled his eyes and pulled out a DS from his back pocket, determined not to give Eridan too much attention. “Psh. We’ll see. Might just chug a Monster and skip the Bean Shack altogether.” He absentmindedly moved Tetris blocks around the screen. Of course he was coming back, but Eridan didn’t have to know that.

“Ugh. Energy drinks are disgusting, how do you drink that shit?” 

“Damn. The scenephobia in this society. Smh my head.”

“Did you seriously just say ‘smh’ out loud.”

“Yessir.”

“Jesus you’re a nerd.”

“Ok, Wizard Boy.”

“That was years ago!”

Sollux snickered as the Tetris music sped up. Miscellaneous beeps sounded through the shitty DS speakers for a couple minutes before Sollux died, the lack of music creating an odd silence between him and Eridan. 

“Oh shit. Oh shit and fuck. Cock and balls.” 

“You good?”

Sollux frantically tapped at the screen. “No! I completely forgot about work!”

Eridan laughed. “What, did your boss send you a Pictochat?”

Sollux turned the DS around to reveal that Kanaya had indeed, the words “Get the fuck to work >:/” filling the screen. 

Eridan raised his eyebrows. “Oh shit I guess they did.”

Sollux jumped up, stuffing the DS into his back jeans pocket. “Uh. I’ll see you later.” He dashed out the door, almost crashing into the doorframe on his way out.

Eridan looked at the lanky guy careening down the sidewalk and smiled.  _ What a fucking dork. _

  


“Kanaya, I’m sorry! It’s not like we have anything to do until 5 anyway.”

“Be that as it may, you still should actually come to work. Something could have come up that I needed you for!”

“But it didn’t”

Kanaya sighed heavily. Sollux could really be a little shit sometimes. “Whatever. Just come play Cards Against Humanity with us. Rose brought their brother, Dave.”

Dave leaned back from the table to send a lazy salute in Sollux’s direction. “Sup.”

Rose snuck a look at Dave’s cards and snorted. “Dave,  _ no.  _ For Christ’s sake don’t play that card.”

“What? I’m gay! I can say that!”

“We’re all gay. I think I speak for everyone when I say, no.”

Sollux chuckled. Honestly, it was wild that this was his actual job. Playing cards with friends, looking at old book listings, listening to Dave’s shitty freestyle raps. 

After a couple hours, Dave and Rose left and it was time for Sollux to make the book delivery, this time at the correct place and time. 

“Ok I promise I’m not fucking with you this time. But it’s the same place so you’re still gonna have to walk a bunch. Sorry.”

“Ugh, I suppose my peasant bones are just gonna have to learn to deal with it, I guess.”

“The guy already PayPaled me, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

“Epic. See ya, Kan.”

  


The walk to the brownstone seemed shorter than it had before. The evening air felt nice on Sollux’s skin, and a breeze blew through his hair. He jogged up the steps and rang the buzzer. 

A muffled voice came from inside. “Hold the fuckin’ phone. I’m comin’” The door swung open, revealing a rather disheveled Eridan. 

“Oh. Hey, Sol. What are you doin at my house.”

_ Well shit. This probably looks bad, doesn’t it.  _ “Uh. Well. You ordered the Call of Cthulhu, right?”

“Yeah...but how did you— ohhhh so  _ that’s  _ your job. That’s actually sick as hell, dude.”

“I mean… yeah! Gothic lit is like, one of my favorite things ever!”

“Huh! Wouldn’t have thought you were the type. I’m actually starting a collection! It’s… pretty small, honestly. But it’s still fun!” Eridan chuckled awkwardly and looked at the ground. He noticed the parcel in Sollux’s hands, and hastily moved to the side. “Oh. Do you maybe wanna… come in?” 

“Oh! Uh. Sure! Why not?” Sollux stepped quickly past Eridan into the brownstone.  _ Shit. Why the hell are you going into your douchey barista’s house? This is how people get murdered, Sollux. I can see the Law and Order episode now: Local gamer found stabbed to death in New Jersey brownstone. Great. Just great.  _

“Uh. You good man?” Eridan’s voice cut through Sollux’s morbid panic session. Oh great, and now he looked like a weird creeper (Aw, man), in the middle of a cute boy’s house.  _ Wait, what did you just call him. _

“Oh. Uh. Yeah. Just looking at your, um, carpet.”  _ Great fucking comeback, Sol. Bet he’ll be seething over that choice morsel for weeks.  _

Eridan snorted. “Well, as much as I’d love to have a meaningful conversation about my choice of rug, I’d much rather get the book I paid for in the first place.”

“Oh, right! Of course, sorry.”  _ Jesus, why are you so nervous? It’s just Eridan.  _ Sollux fumbled with the package before pushing it into Eridan’s hands. “So, uh, in there you’ve got the Cthulhu, obviously, but you’ve also got some extras that Kanaya chose, and a coupon for if you wanna buy from us again!”

Eridan smiled. “Honestly? I probably will. I mean, a collection’s gotta start from somewhere, right? And right now all I’ve got is Jekyll and Hyde, Dorian Gray and The Secret History.”

Sollux’s face lit up. “Oh, dude, you’re absolutely gonna need more than that. The Castle of Otranto is a must-have. It basically defined the genre! And I’m sure you know about Dracula and Frankenstien, but getting good editions of them can be hard. And if you’re into some poetry, The Mysteries of Udolpho is  _ super _ interesting!” 

Eridan smiled. Hearing someone ramble about something they were passionate about was always a good feeling, and it sure helped if the  _ something _ happened to be literature. “That’s actually really helpful! Thanks, Sol.”

Sollux felt his cheeks heat up at the praise. “Uh. No prob.” The silence seemed to stretch on for ages, before Sollux broke it with a well-timed coughing fit.  _ Smooth. _ “Well, I should probably go home. It’s kind of late.”

Eridan looked like he wanted to say something, but he simply nodded. “So I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“Y-yeah! Tomorrow!” Sollux strode to the door, waving at Eridan before quickly absconding from the situation. 

_ Well, Sollux, care to explain what the fuck that was?  _ He thought to himself as he sped down the street.  _ Why were you acting like a Blackened in a Class Trial? For Christ’s sake, it’s just Eridan! Stuck-up, nerdy, pompous Eridan. So what the shit was that?  _ Whatever, Sollux was the worst at identifying emotions. He’d just ask Karkat later. Karkat was good at this kind of stuff. But for now, he just had to focus on making his heart stop pounding so fucking hard. 

  


twinArmageddons: yo KK ii got a biit of a problemo

carcinoGenecist: WHAT DO YOU WANT CAPTOR

TA: youre good at emotiion2 and 2hiit right

CG: IF YOURE LOOKING FOR A THERAPIST, YOUR BISEXUAL MESS OF A BEST FRIEND IS NOT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB

TA: calm your tiit2 iit2 nothing 2eriiou2

CG: OH GOD WAIT

CG: IS THIS SOME ROMANCE BULLSHIT YOU NEED HELP WITH

TA: god ii hope not

CG: BECAUSE IF SO

CG: YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT FUCKING PLACE TAKE A SEAT IN MY PALACE OF ROMANTIC COMEDY

TA: god youre criingey

CG: SAYS THE BITCH WATCHING MSI FANCAMS AND EATING DORITOS

TA: …

CG: THATS WHAT YOURE DOING RIGHT NOW ISNT IT

TA: …

TA: are you gonna help me or not

CG: FUCK YEA SPILL

TA: ok 2o 2ay that there2 a per2on

CG: OH GOD THIS IS ABSOLUTELY A ROMANCE QUESTION OH IM SO JAZZED 

TA: 2hut up

TA: ok 2o thii2 per2on

TA: let2 2ay youre totally iindiifferent to them 

TA: liike you have the upper hand? II gue22

CG: OOOH AN ESTABLISHED RIVALRY? REMINDS ME OF GROUNDHOG DAY

TA: groundhog day ii2nt even a romcom

CG: ARE YOU FUCKING-

CG: THE WHOLE PLOT REVOLVES AROUND HIM LEARNING TO LOVE

CG: THATS IT. 

CG: NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, WERE WATCHING GROUNDHOG DAY

TA: yeah yeah whatever

TA: but then 

TA: for 2ome rea2on?? you 2top beiing a2 comfortable around them

CG: TELL DR VANTAS EXACTLY WHAT THE DISCOMFORT IS LIKE

TA: dr…you know what iim not even gonna a2k

TA: liike. iit2 harder to thiink of what to 2ay? 

TA: and your heart feel2 liike iit2 gonna beat out of your che2t? 

TA: and when you make them smiile, all thought leave2 your head. 

TA: And the 2weat. Oh god the 2weat.

CG: EW

TA: 2hut iit

TA: and you end up sayiing the dumbe2t 2hiit

TA: liike “oh nothiing ju2t lookiing at your carpet”

CG: JESUS

TA: ii know

TA: 2o. what the fuck ii2 happeniing

CG: ARE YOU SERIOUS

CG: THIS IS SO CLICHE

CG: YOU SERIOUSLY CANT SEE IT?

TA: iim kiind of 2tupiid, iif you couldnt tell

CG: YOU FUCKING DUMBASS

CG: YOU HAVE A CRUSH

CG: NOW STOP ACTING LIKE A MIDDLE SCHOOLER AND TELL ME WHO IT IS

TA: ew no that cant be iit

TA: oh 2hiit

TA: oh 2HIIT

CG: IM RIGHT ARENT I

TA: …

TA: fuck me

CG: DONT TELL ME THAT, TELL WHOEVER THIS IS ABOUT

CG: UNLESS THIS IS ABOUT ME

CG: IN WHICH CASE. SORRY BUT NO

TA: no you fuckiing iidiiot iit2 not you

CG: OH THANK GOODNESS

CG: SERIOUSLY THOUGH. IM A KILLER WINGMAN. I CAN GUARANTEE THE TWO OF YOU FUCK IN A WEEK TOPS

CG: JUST ASK KANAYA AD ROSE

TA: FIINE

CG: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY OMG

CG: I MEAN

CG: GO AHEAD SOLLUX

TA: iit2fuckiing 

TA: eriidan

CG: ANFKSJDNFKSJDNFSKJDFNS ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS

CG: I CALLED IT

CG: I SO CALLED IT

CG: OH MY GOD ARE WE LIVING IN A FANFIC OR WHAT

TA: ughhhhhhh fuck emotiion2 thii2 2hiit 2uck2

CG: NONONO WE ARE GETTING YOU SOME DICK

CG: OK OK OK 

CG: MEET AT MY HOUSE AFTER WORK TOMORROW FOR GROUNDHOG DAY AND STRATEGY

TA: do ii really have to watch groundhog day

CG: YES ITS A CLASSIC

TA: ugh fiine

TA: 2ee you then ii gue22

CG: FUCK YEA

_ Great. Just great.  _ Now Sollux  _ apparently _ had a crush on Eridan. And Karkat was  _ apparently _ making it his business to get them together.  _ Fucking perfect.  _ But whatever. Right now Jimmy Urine was yelling about wanting it ala mode and the Doritos were getting stale. Eridan could wait until tomorrow.

  


Sollux knocked on the door to Karkat’s apartment. He had a plastic deli bag in his hand, filled with snacks.  _ Romance fuel, as Karkat had called it.  _

Karkat swung the door open, ushering Sollux in. “The lover boy himself! Hope you brought food.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, I got the goods. Hope you like Fritos and gummy worms.”

“Have you ever even seen a vegetable.”

“No, and I’m sure as hell not gonna start now.” Sollux flung himself onto the couch with a flourish, opening the gummies and popping a few into his mouth.

“So. Tell me how you’re gonna fix my sad love life. And please be quick, I’m tired as hell.” Sollux said through a mouth full of candy.

“Jesus, fuck. First of all, chew your damn food. You have enough of a lisp as is. Second of all, this is gonna take as long as it needs to! Lord knows you’re gonna need a helluva lot of help.”

“Hey, I get mad hoes!”

“Your 5th grade Minecraft girlfriends don’t count.”

“Aw, come on.”

Karkat crunched loudly on a chip, swinging an arm over the back of the couch. “The first thing you need to know is that Eridan is a desperate fucker. He’s a whore for attention, so if you show him any amount of affection, he’ll basically fall in love with you.”

“Haha. Loser.”

“You’re the one who’s trying to fuck him.”

“Touché.”

“The second thing you need to know is that unlike you, Eridan is a man of culture who enjoys a classic romantic comedy. So no matter how cheesy and cliché you come off, he’s gonna eat it up. Honestly, the more cringe-worthy you are, the more endearing he’ll find you. And being cringey shouldn’t be hard for you at all.”

“Yo, cringe culture’s mad dead.”

“So stop making fun of my Rom-coms.”

“Cringe culture rose from the dead specifically for your trash movie taste.”

Karkat let out a labored sigh. “The  _ point is _ that you just need to act like the love interest in an over-dramaticized chick flick.”

“So. Eridan’s brother? Cause ew.” Cronus Ampora was convinced that he was god’s gift to women (And men, for that matter,), but really he was just a Grade-A Douchebag.

“Nah, that dude is never gonna get laid. You gotta be less focused on you, more focused on him.”

“I don’t want his ego to be out of control. The guy’s already got enough of a superiority complex.”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Are you trying to date this guy, or not?”

Sollux let out a noise of concession and took a swig of soda.

Karkat sighed and resumed his lecture. “We need a plan of action. Some tactics to try out. You feel up to tackling this project tomorrow morning?”

“Y’know, KK, most people don’t classify their romantic pursuits as projects.”

“Yeah, well most people aren’t bi nerds with anxiety, so suck it.”  _ Fair enough.  _ “I’d say go with something tried and true to start out. If you just lay a cheesy pick-up line on him, he’ll fall right into your lap.” 

“Oh dear god, no.”

“Oh dear god, yes. I guarantee to you, Eridan’s gonna eat that shit up.”

Sollux cradled him head in his hands and groaned. “I’m gonna look like such a fucking skeez holy shit.”

“Yeah. But Ampora’s kinda into that.”

Sollux glared across the couch at Karkat. “If this all goes horribly awry and he punches me into the Sun, I’m gonna kick your ass into next week.”

Karkat chuckled. “Fair enough! But I promise you, as long as you’re not a fucking pussy about it, you’re gonna be fine.” He leaned back and turned the TV on. “Now, it’s Groundhog Day time.”

“Jesus you’re a geek.”

“Right back atcha, king.”

  


_ Ok, ok, it’s fine. Everything’s gonna be fine. You got this. Just gonna walk in there, say the line, and go from there. Pray that Eridan doesn’t deck you flat on your ass. _ Sollux looked at the slip of paper that Karkat had given him, cheesy pick-up lines scrawled all over it. Most of them were fish-themed in some way, because Eridan was “Horny for sea monsters or some shit,” as Karkat had put it. 

Sollux scanned the cramped letters, trying to pick the least douchey one. Honestly, these were some of the worst lines he had ever had the misfortune of reading. “Hey, do you like lemon juice on your Fish? Because I can be the lemon juice on your fish.”  _ What the fuck does that even mean?? _ Karkat had even included some joke ones, accompanied with the warning “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE DONT USE THESE JESUS FUCK”

One in particular had caught Sollux’s attention, reading “Damn, are you a dolphin? Cause I’ll blow that hole.” 

He snorted and strode quickly down the sidewalk, trying not to bump into passers-by as he read, finally settling on “Hey, are you a fish? Cause you’ve got me hook, line and sinker.” Not the best, but if Karkat was correct, Eridan wouldn’t give a shit. Besides, he didn’t really have that much to lose.

He nearly collided with a traffic light as he crossed the street to the Bean Shack.  _ Alright, Captor. It’s now or never.  _ He swung open the door and walked in.

Eridan already had his order waiting in his hand, and before Sollux could get a word in, he was chattering at him about how oh it’s so nice to see your greasy ass and geez did you play Minecraft all night? You look kinda tired and on and on and on and  _ fuck he’d missed his chance. _

Sollux felt his face heat up and sweat drip down his neck and  _ oh god he must look like the very picture of social anxiety right now fuck oh fuck oh fuck come ON Sol, Karkat is RIGHT THERE he’s WATCHING and oh no you’ve been silent for too long now Eridan’s getting worried come on now’s as good a chance as any just say something say ANYTHING just SAY IT YOU FUCKING NERD- _

“HEY ARE YOU A DOLPHIN CAUSE I CAN BLOW YOUR HOLE.”

Shit.

There was a beat of silence before Eridan doubled over cackling. “OH MY GOD SOL WHAT.”

“Um. Uh. I mean.” Sollux stuttered. He made eye contact with Karkat, who looked absolutely flummoxed. 

Eridan wheezed and wiped tears out of his eyes. “Glubbing hell, Sollux. That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week, good God.” 

Well this was going better than expected.

Sollux snatched the cup off of the counter and forced a smile. “Yes, of course, anytime, now if you'll excuse me I’m rather late for work, I’m sure you understand good fellow, toodle-oo.”  _ What bullshit just exited your mouth hole. Who even says toodle-oo. Or my good fellow. Or “I can blow your hole” _ Sollux spun on his heel and sped out of the shop, surprised that his legs didn’t collapse under him.

He turned the corner and sunk to the ground, ignoring how nasty the sidewalk was. He leaned against the wall and sighed. No point in going to work now, he was in such a state. He opened his phone to a barrage of Discord notification, all from Karkat.

carcinoGenecist: WHAT THE FUCK

CG: HOW DID YOU FUCK IT UP SO BAD

CG: THAT LINE WAS A JOKE

CG: A J O K E CAPTOR

CG: OR DO THEY NOT HAVE JOKES IN INCEL-LAND

CG: I MEAN AT LEAST HE DIDNT TAKE IT TO HEART

CG: BUT HOLY SHIT

CG: OUT OF ALL OF THE THINGS

twinArmageddons: lii2ten ii for real diid NOT mean to 2ay that one

TA: ii wa2 gonna 2ay a normal one but then he wa2 talkiing 2o much and ii paniicked 

TA: he 2eemed chiill at lea2t??

CG: TRUE

CG: NOW DONT WORRY THIS ISNT A LOST CAUSE

CG: WE CAN SAVE THIS

CG: AFTER WORK. WERE WATCHING THE NOTEBOOK AND REGROUPING

CG: YOUR PLACE THOUGH MY BROTHER’S HOME AND I GUARANTEE YOU DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO HIS LECTURES

TA: great iit2 a date

TA: hopefully wiith ED thii2 tiime

_ Jesus.  _ Might as well call Kanaya and tell her what’s up.

She picked up immediately. “What’s up.”

“Well, Kan, I royally fucked up and I super can’t come to work today.”

“Oh god did you spill Red Bull on your brother’s girlfriend again.”

“No it’s so much worse. I used the worst pick-up line ever on a cute boy and ran away.”

“Oh dear. What did you say.”

He told her.

“Goodness. Well, of course you can’t work under those conditions. Go ahead and take the day off. Good luck salvaging your love life.”

She hung up curtly and Sollux let out a deep sigh. He leaned his head back against the wall and groaned. He might as well head back home for some good old-fashioned Danganronpa and Crying. Lord knew he needed it.

  


By the time Karkat finally showed up, Sollux had finished all of Killing Harmony and was already working on a concept for a fangame. He hoisted himself to his feet and greeted Karkat.

“Alright, king, let’s fix this shitshow. A shitshow of your own creation, I might add.”

“Hey, I’m not the one who wrote all those joke lines down!”

“Yes, but they were accompanied by a very visible warning! You should have heeded the warning!”

“But—”

“I’m right, you’re wrong, let’s try and think of something new.” Karkat paced around like a supervillain as he talked. Sollux lounged on his bed and watched his movements lazily.

“Alright, so we clearly can’t trust you with pick-up lines. What we need now is a Coincidence™—” 

“How did you say that with your human mouth.”

“—that puts the two of you in a very romantic situation, one that builds the chemistry between your two characters enough so that maybe, just maybe, he makes the first move.”

“You know we’re human beings, with free will. Not some characters in your movies? Also please explain to me what the actual fuck you are saying to me right now.”

“An example! Of course. Let’s say Girl A is completely head-over-heels for Girl B, so much so that she trips over her own feet every time they’re near each other. Now let’s say Girl B is walking down the hall towards Girl A. Girl A, in her infatuation, trips over her own shoelaces, directly into Girl B’s arms. She looks up into Gil B’s eyes, and boom. Romance romanced.” Karkat’s eyes glinted as he finished his tirade.

“Holy fuck you’re repressed.”

“Sure, one could write it off as a coincidence. But I say nay!”

“Who are you, John Adams.”

“So. This is the type of Coincidence™—”

“SERIOUSLY HOW DO YOU SAY THAT”

“—that we will orchestrate. Being in a coffee shop provides a unique environment, one filled with liquids.”

“Yo what the FUCK.”

“Let me present to you a hypothetical. A possible future, if you will.”

“Jesus why am I friends with you.”

“You, Sollux Captor, walk into my wonderful Bean Shack, site of many a romance.”

“You literally opened like a week and a half ago.”

“Eridan hands you your coffee, as usual, and the two of you move to the booths (I’ll cover his shift.) You sit next to him, which is already making things so much more intimate.”

“Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck you.” Sollux hid his head in his hands. 

“Eventually, he’ll probably say something he thinks is funny as fuck. You’ll double over in laughter, but what’s this? A brimming cup of coffee in your hand? Spilling all over Eridan’s shirt? What a tragedy! You absolutely  _ must  _ dry him off, perhaps letting your hands linger for just a touch too long! The romance! The intrigue! He’ll be head over heels for you!” Karkat punctuated his final point with a clap, making Sollux jump.

“Karkat, your mind is the strangest thing I’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing.”

“Shush. You’re gonna do it and you know it.”

“Yeah, but only cause I’ve already fucked up so bad that it can’t possibly get worse. Now I just gotta fix the current pile of horseshit I’ve landed myself in.”

“Just text him and say I dared you.”

Sollux paused.  _ Oh.  _ “Right. Of course.”  _ Why didn’t he think of that? _ He quickly shot a dm at Eridan “explaining” the situation and lay back on the bed.  _ Why the hell was romance so confusing? _

“Now. You agreed to watch The Notebook, and I’m not letting you back out now.”

Sollux groaned and leaned forward. Let’s hope that Karkat’s Coincidence nonsense worked out. He didn’t know what he’d do if it didn’t.

  


Sollux leaned against the wall outside the Bean Shack, just out of sight of the shop’s windows. He ran through the bullet points Karkat had given him in his head.

_ Step 1: Get the coffee from Eridan and move to the booth _

Sollux walked over to the counter, smiling, and took the cup from Eridan’s hands. 

Eridan smirked. “I can’t believe Karkat got you to say that shit. Kinda glad though, it made my whole day.”  _ Fuck, I made his day. _ Sollux felt blush heating up his face and nodded towards a nearby booth. 

“Yeah, he gave me five bucks. Hey, I got some time before work—” (a lie, Kanaya had given him the day off again) “—wanna vibe here for a bit?”

Eridan smiled. “Sure!”

_ Step 2: Sit next to him in the booth _

After Eridan had seated himself, Sollux awkwardly slid himself in next to him. Eridan cocked an eyebrow but said nothing.  _ Shit this was supposed to be romantic. This is just uncomfortable. _

_ Step 3: Laugh at his joke _

“—and then Fef said, swimming is related to water!”

Sollux doubled over in laughter, despite the joke going over his head. He honestly knew jackshit about the world of competitive swimming, but he wasn’t about to tell Eridan that.

_ Step 4: Spill your coffee onto his shirt _

_ Great, now to try and make this look natural. _ In the midst of his laughter, Sollux tipped the front of the cup slightly, angling it towards Eridan’s chest. But there wasn’t nearly enough force behind the toss, and the hot liquid splashed against Sollux’s legs.  _ SHITFUCKHOLYSHIT THAT”S SO MUCH HOTTER THAN I THOUGHT.  _

_“FUCK ME SERIOUSLY FOR REAL OW HELL”_ Sollux winced in pain and punched his leg. 

“Oh shit, dude, you alright?”

“YUPYUPYUP I’M JUST PEACHY GOTTA GRAB SOME NAPKINS.”

_ Step 5: Dry him off, let your fingers linger _

Sollux dabbed at his pants, now stained with hot coffee. The pain had subsided, but there was no way the plan would work now.

_ Step 6: Romance!! _

“Well, I’d better get going! Gotta change my pants anyway.” Sollux stood up, waving at Eridan.

“Sure, of course! I’ll see you tomorrow!” Eridan called after him as Sollux walked out.

_ Well that certainly didn’t go as planned.  _ He needed to talk to Kanaya. She was the most successful in relationships, after all. 

twinArmageddons: gue22 who fucked up again

grimAuxiliatrix: Oh Dear. What Happened?

He filled her in on his Big Coffee Mistake.

GA: Oh Gosh, I’m Sorry.

GA: May I Ask Why Your Plan Of Action Was To Spill Coffee On Him Seductively?

TA: uhhh cau2e KK 2aiid iit wa2 a good iidea

GA: And You Listened??

TA: …

GA: I See The Problem Now.

GA: Has Karkat, Pray Tell, Been Waxing Romantic About Overdramatized Scenarios That Will Never Happen In Real Life?

TA: … 

TA: maybe

GA: Dear Lord

GA: Listen, Sollux, Life Isn’t A Rom-Com, Despite What Karkat Might Say.

GA: If You Want To Pursue A Relationship With This Young Man, You Simply Need To Be Direct

GA: Just Go Up To Him And Ask Him If He’s Free Friday Night

GA: Then Say “It’s A Date” So He Knows It’s Not Platonic

TA: that...make2 a lot more 2en2e than whatever the fuck KK wa2 crammiing down my throat

GA: Yes, I’d Imagine So

GA: Good Luck, Sollux

GA: And For Goodness Sake, Don’t Listen To What Karkat Has To Say

TA: thank2 queen

GA: Anytime.

Why hadn’t he asked Kanaya earlier? She was spitting some mad wisdom, wisdom that would have been glaringly obvious to anyone but Sollux.

His phone buzzed with a notification from Karkat.

carcinoGenecist: WELL THAT WASN’T IDEAL

CG: BUT! I HAVE A PLAN

TA: nah dude ii actually have a plan my2elf

CG: WHAT IS IT

TA: that2 a 2urprii2e :)

CG: PLEASE DONT SCREW IT UP I STG

TA: dont worry, iit2 gonna go perfectly :)

And for the first time throughout the whole caper, Sollux actually believed it.

  


Sollux strode confidently into the coffee shop, free of any slips of paper, free of any pick-up lines, free of any Coincidences™. 

“Morning, ED.” He took the coffee from Eridan and sipped it.

“Good Morn, my dear Sollux.”  _ Fuck that was cute.  _

“So, how has The Call of Cthulhu been treating you?”

“Oh, it’s great! I mean, besides, y’know, the racism, classism, and general “I’m a white guy” shit, it’s really good! Creepy as hell, but good!”

Sollux chuckled. “Yeah, Lovecraft is one xenophobic asshole. But I’m glad you’re enjoying the book!” He cleared his throat. It was now or never. 

“Say, Eridan. You doing anything Friday night?”

Eridan’s face lit up. “No, why?”  _ You know why! Fucking tease…  _

“Well, uh, I was wondering if you’d wanna see a movie together? Trolls 2 is playing, and the McElroy brothers are in it, so we gotta see it! Ironically of course.”

Eridan smirked. “Of course. That sounds great!”

Sollux beamed. “Fire! It’s a date!” At the word  _ date, _ Eridan’s face broke out into a blush and  _ goddamn if that’s not the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. _

And then, in an unexpected rush of… adrenaline? Horniness? Courage? Sollux leaned over the counter and gave Eridan a peck on the cheek.  _ HOLY SHIT I KISSED HIM HOLY FUCK AND HIS SKIN WAS SO SOFT AND OH GOD WHAT NOW??  _

For the first time since the two of them met, both were speechless. Then, Sollux spun around and left the shop. Friday couldn’t come soon enough.

  


When Sollux woke up, his first thought was that he’d been kidnapped. The mattress wasn’t shitty, not like the one in his apartment, and the blankets were far too soft. He turned to the side, trying to get his bearings, and nearly screamed.  _ There’s another person here??  _

And then he remembered.  _ Oh. Right. _

He turned the lamp next to him on, flooding the room with light. The warm glow from the lamp danced over the purple streak in Eridan’s hair, reminding Sollux of what had happened the night before. He checked his phone for the time, 10 am, Saturday morning.  _ Of course.  _

He smiled as the truth set in, He had gotten a (hopefully!) boyfriend (and a pretty cute one, at that) before Karkat had. 

He was never gonna let him live this down.


End file.
